You found me™

This is it. The big one. The day the people curse and swear never to look back on it again.
The deciding factor whether I make it out good or I f*** up real bad.
I really really want this to end well.

But prior experience tells me otherwise.

I've became fitter. Can do loads more now then I could before, but still not really IPPT standard yet.
I've given up on running away. It doesn't work out.
I'm not very sure if I'm mentally prepared or not. Have had insomnia for the past few nights.
Have experienced camps like these in Boy's Brigade. They seem to be the only things weighing on my mind, helping me to predict the bad stuff that may happen.
And they're also the reason why I am scared.

I've read countless forums now, all saying the same thing: Get PES C, downgrade, Chao Keng.
I'm beyond that now.
Currently PES B, no medical conditions except for flat feet, sweaty palms and obesity. Possibly the insomnia, but that is another thing.

I don't want time to move slowly like it did during those camps. It sucked bad, because a few minutes felt like hours. I had that the entire of yesterday; time seemed to stop moving at all.

Been reading theology to pass the time, and also for a sense of spiritual insurance. It helped, but it only alleviates. It doesn't cure. I want to know what happens inside. But few people tell me. Dad has never served National Service, so he can't. For the people who can, they leave out the details on how to stay alive.

I'm that A level nerd with weak limbs, and no guts. If ever in the future I get to read this again, I want to declare proudly that I am none of these things. I want to shout out that I've gone through the worst of it and also the best of it. And that I've gained more than just muscles from this experience.

When was the last time I touched this abandoned log, where I post from time to time?
May 29th? Reading Bridget Jone's diary? Sounds so distant to me. Yet, it states there so clearly.
Probably no one's going to read this. But here we go.


2008

Jan - I enter the A level route of the education system in Singapore. MJC.
Infamous for their promotional exam that retained hundred of students. Yet very fun. And my interest of the A level track stemmed from there.
Loved my orientation group. It felt like nothing was impossible when we were together. And we were always supporting each other.
Started listening to Superchic[k]

Feb- Got kicked from MJC. Life seems to be at a standstill, Mum crying from lack of Dad,  or that my O level results not being able to make it to MJC. Family seems dysfunctional for a week or so.
Thank God for Auntie Mita. She was the perfect person at the right time.
Started teaching in a tuition centre; 2 little rascals who still don't know the purpose of a good education.
Yet I'm here thinking of them, wondering what they are doing now.


March- Move to TPJC. Heard all those rumors of it. An image of a prison comes to mind.
And I feel alone. Like I've lost everyone again.
Attend a tuition BBQ, watch 2 girls move to another cabin while I stand there looking at them.
& I tell a girl I like her.

April- I was generally settling down in my new life. A bit confused then, mistaking the friendships of girls as easy relationships.
Painfully aware that such fantasies do no come to pass.

May- Pre U Seminar preparation.

June- Pre U Sem itself. :)
Australia.

July- Busy, exams were on the 1st 2 weeks.

August- My heart moved a little, when the girl I've been chasing for so long decides to respond just a little.
My first hate mail. Oh, and migraines from working too much. Also the last time for the rest of my schooling experience.
Lost both my Macbook and PSP. Whooosie doo dah. Mum crys and refuses to speak to me till she loses her handphone.

September till End of year- Promos. Work work work :)
(Because I don't want to waste time in this track. The sooner I come out of NS into Uni the better)
Oh, not to forget that Indonesian Mangrove reforestation project... Full of rich experiences.
Also my turning point.
Grew 2 virtual plants that threatened to die off if not watered or kept. One for her.


2009

Jan-Booked Chalet for some fun with friends. Got converted into an overnight studying camp.
We watched the last episode of the little nonya. And the sunrise we couldn't really see but we went anyways.
Truthfully, I have never been so close to her than that 1 night + 1 day, compared to all that time.
And it was since then, that I realised I missed her very much.

Maybe it was a moment of weakness from her, but I never will know.
I have regretted painfully and bore this pain since then by declining.
I was really very selfish for not thinking of how you felt then.
I really thought that we would be a great distraction for something greater.

Feb- Found a nice place to study.
Valentine's day. I take out that old piece of chocolate from way back on a previous day.
With your handwriting and wrapper. (Its still around)

Mar- She changes her blog. No more updates about her life.

April- She changes her number.

And then... nothing but studying and facebook.

July-October- GP tuition teacher walks into my life. Since then, I've changed a lot too.
Her many lessons which I've always kept in mind are all worth sharing, but this one belongs here-

"Marry a clever woman. A capable one too. They compliment you. Not some blonde obedient bimbo ku-niangs, that have resemblances to Pamela Anderson. No. All the guys in Singapore are looking for those. And they don't exist."
And after hearing that, I was smiling to myself, thinking of you.

November- Her blog is back up again.

December- I think for a while. And I write.

____________________________________________________________________________________________
Let's go around the circle.
For 2 years, I've been at JC.
Sometimes I hated it. Other times I couldn't wish anything better.
I've had some good friends. Some bad experiences. Some happy days.
I've been a student, and also a teacher.
I've loved, been loved, still in love and still am loved.

I've dictated and have been dictated to.
I've lead, and have followed.
Have succeeded and failed.
Have confessed, been rejected and been confessed to, whom I've rejected.
Have been lost, and have found.
Have cried and smiled, and smiled and cried.

Have experienced pain from friends, family and self.
Have experienced joy from them too.
Have seen destiny, deztiny, and horizons.

Have seeked God.
Have been lost from God.
Have been tested by God.
And have become stronger by God.

Have I grown? Yes.
Have I died a little here and there? Yes.
And what about your dream? Still alive? Yes.

I tried really really hard to make this a general post, but it seems that I've got a really bad habit.
Everytime I do a blog post, I always have to refer to a subject; namely a girl whom I think is worth all of this.
Who gives me that sense of inspiration when I feel down and beaten.

It was fun reading Bridget Jones's diary.
Seriously, the book toys with the idea of a single in her thirties.
She has a whacky family: Mum goes to Portugal with a newfound lover and abandons her husband,
then later goes back when her lover runs off with 'timeshare' money,
a crazy boss who only wants her for sex,
a few friends who can't seem to find lovers either(not to mention that one of them is gay),

and later, a great guy who solves all her problems by appearing in her life.

It uses the vulnerable female as comic humour.

And the last page summarises the book aptly:
The number of smokes, wines, sweepstakes, etc.
And one resolution fulfilled.

How so very interesting is the life of Bridget Jones.
Pity its not real

  

There's no question that
I've gone crazy without your touch
And no doubt in my mind
That's all you're for
I turn a blind eye

When I say I want to be with you forever
I hope that's not asking too much.
Cause the love like the one we share
Is like nothing that compares
And it leaves me feeling truly inspired
Baby whatever you go
I'll be right there by your side

[Chorus]
You love, your love is all I need
Your love, your love is all I need
And when I promise you forever
Forever's what I need
Your love, your love is all I need
Your love is like the air I breathe
And when I promise you forever
Baby forever

That's what I need


For you're not my first,
I know you'll be my last
Baby you're my one ends only
I'm gonna work so hard
To make sure that this lasts
I want all of you if you'll give it to me
And whatever you go
I'll be right there by your side

[Chorus]

[Bridge]
As for the hard times
I'm well aware that we'll have our share
But you and I both agree that our love can conquer anything
And we grow closer everyday

[Chorus]X2

_______________________________
This song is TOTALLY RAD!!!
Hope that you'll find it as great as I do.

Feeling totally yearning right now.
Feel like getting to know you,
Yet I'm thinking too much like the lots of stupid what-ifs that you are doing now.
The paradox: What if I lose you?

Shutting myself up was never the good idea I had; in fact, its the worst one I've had in a long time.
I thought that I could actually keep myself quiet. But I can't.

I thought that I could be content with waiting.
With living a hope.
But I realise now that its not possible.
Because my desperate need for you is more than being patient.

Apparently, trying to convince myself that I could do without you was a mistake.
Wasting countless hours just trying to waste the day away.
Tiring myself needlessly just to keep me from veering.
And after all that, this mind of mine still thinks of you.

I realise that without somebody like you,
My life would be in bits and pieces.
And just by thinking of you,

You make me want to be a better man.